Blog: Disney & Fat People
Ok, so I went to Disney World. I know for a lot of you that breaks some kind of solemn oath I'd taken against the Walt Disney Company since my old radio show was tossed out during a live broadcast for talking to visitors and informing those who had a wedgie so they could take proper action.
That was a long time ago, and I was quite sure my name wasn't really on some list (as some Disney secret service grunt had told us when we were tossed back in the day).
Janet and I did the old fashioned vacation, driving from Ocean City, Maryland to Orlando and Tampa, Florida. We stayed in Disney for a week and had a great time. Except for one item.
The first thing I noticed in the Magic Kingdom was the incredible number of motorized scooters, aka "Rascals" that were freaking everywhere. One of the first things I muttered to Janet on our 1st day was something like, "Jesus! Look at that fat load. I'm positive he's faking some illness and is just too lazy to walk", as I saw some random really fat guy motoring and drinking his lemonade ever so daintily.
NEWS BULLETIN! I AM FAT. I WEIGHED MYSELF THIS MORNING AND MY NEW LUCKY NUMBER IS 229!
It was unseasonably hot and humid, even by Florida standards the week we were in Orlando. Every day was scorching sunshine and 93 degrees. I would sweat through my t shirt within five minutes of starting to walk through the gates at the Animal Kingdom.
But I walked it all. Every day. It was hot, and I sweated. Lots. But we stopped and walked into A/C whenever we could. The worst was standing in a line for a ride, and just smelling ass and feet everywhere, no ventilation. Very swampy.
And again, I was struck by the many electric scooters I saw fat people (many about my size, some smaller, some bigger) riding everywhere.
In lines for rides, in eateries and in stores. I really didn't see anyone (except some senior citizens and some handicapped folks) who looked like they ACTUALLY needed the scooters.
And it was pissing me off.
By day 5, I decided to just ask. Some guy a bit larger than me was in line in his scooter, with his little battery operated fan cooling him, as he wrapped a washcloth in cool water he had in the basket in the front of his ride, and draped it around his neck.
I said, "Hey pal. I don't mean to intrude, but I love that scooter you're on. Do you have an injury that's making you use that thing, or are you just faking it to ride?"
I felt confident enough to ask him because he didn't appear to have any maladies and he was as happy as a pig in shit, and was actually smirking at people sweating their balls off as they walked by. That's why I chose this guy to ask. Even as Janet walked away and said, "Don't. Come on, let's go."
He smiled and told me his entire family rented them, right at the front gate. There was not a thing wrong with him. It was just, "hot as shit, and it's like having a little golf cart." I asked if they were available to anyone, and he said if you money was green, you could rent one.
Celebrity he most resembled: Sean Kingston.
I walked to the front gate, and lo and behold, there was the sign to "Rent Your Own Personal Electric Scooter, the ONLY Way To See The Park!" I guess I'd just passed it by everywhere in the masses of humanity rushing through the turnstiles, eager to get inside whatever Kingdom it was we were all rushing to get into.
So I was right! Fat asses who are just lazy rent those things, because it's hot and they don't feel like walking.
Screw that. If you are too fat to walk, you'd better be like someone on a TLC show. Or Kirstie Alley fat.
Scratch that. Even she should be able to walk her fat ass through the parks. You have to be Aretha Franklin fat to ride in a chair like that if your only malady is that it's hot, and you're fat, and there's lots of walking.
And there were SO MANY FREAKING SCOOTERS WITH FAT PEOPLE AND CHILDREN (oh yes, fat kiddies ride too!) IT WAS NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR FOOT TRAFFIC TO MOVE, AS THE SCOOTERS TOOK OVER THE WALKWAYS, SOMETIME IN PACKS OF SEVEN OR EIGHT.
I walked everywhere everyday. And I'm fat. And I'm lazy. And my feet got sore and my I was sweating my balls off while surrounded by a cloud of people that collectively smelled like a giant full diaper. And even then I would not rent a scooter. Good for me.
So why write all this? It reminded me of a Disney movie!
Remember? All humans are so fat we just drive our little fatcars through shopping areas, where food and drink are supplied to keep us fat and happy and shopping. And not walking.
That's where Disney movies come to life.
d.
November 4, 2009
