michael’s posterous



May 28, 2009

blog: TWITTER celebs

 

Every day there's another story about the growing popularity of Twitter. Today there was a front page spread in USA Today's business section about major C.E.O.'s and how they Twit everyday to followers of up to 25,000 people.
Also included in every story about Twitting is the puff part about celebrities who Twit.
Most of them are self serving jerk off sessions. 
I have only been on Twitter for two months. And I have a paltry (2200 followers) audience compared to most.
It's not just the celebs with the huge Twitter follower numbers.
A plastic surgeon in LA has over 50,000 followers. A guy who roasts coffee beans in Colorado has over 85,000 followers.
But the celebs get all the press. 
After careful consideration, here's five celebs I look at for comparison.


www.twitter.com/iamdiddy

P. Diddy.One moment he posts links to comedy rants with the message Fuck The Haters. Next, he's posting his favorite Biblical quotes. Then he hypes his next t shirt sale. Then it's back to Fuck The Haters. And Psalms! Self serving prick.
Diddy's Grade: F 


www.twitter.com/mrskutcher

Demi Moore. Oh, she judges! Constantly spewing out bullshit Chineese Fortune cookie messages. And posting "crazy" pictures of her A-ticket life. Then bitching when a rumor surfaces that there may be a Twitter tv show devoted to finding celebs when they are out and Twitting. GI Jane my ass.
Demi's Grade: F



www.twitter.com/alroker

Al Roker. Ready to be surprised? Al twits about the weather. And what he's enjoying for dinner. But he also back talks to idiots, and just today posted photos from a waiting room for jury duty. For some reason, TMZ went with the story like it was news. Al was pissed. He's a good read!
Al's Grade:   B


www.twitter.com/the_real_shaq

Shaq. He doesn't Twit a lot, but he does do it during games. He also meets people off Twitter and gives them stuff. He is also just balls out funny. His pics are always great. And he occasionally writes deep stuff. And he even wrote good luck to Kobe :).  WHAT'S UP DOC?
Shaq's grade:   B

www.twitter.com/kingsthings

Larry King. If you remember his inane USA today columns, you are in for a treat. "I love peanut butter!"  "Why is it three strikes and you're out?"  "Going to Chance's little league game. Ice cream after!" 
There are people who do fake Larry King Twit accounts. They are not as funny as the real article. And as always, he doesn't get why he's so fucking funny. 
"If Owen Wilson's on, I'm watching"
Larry King's grade:   A

And there you have it.

www.twitter.com/dongeronimo

This guy sucks major ass. What a tool.



d.
May 28, 2009








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May 27, 2009

blog: Archie Chooses Veronica

After a lifetime of waiting, Archie Andrews has finally selected one of his bitches to become his wife.

Archie made his choice known today via the cover of the 600th issue of Archie comics.



This is so much easier than the old Gilligan's Island debate over Ginger and Mary Anne.
They were two totally different tee vee ladies!
I was always a Mary Anne type of guy.
But they each had their own distinct strengths.

Unlike Ginger and Mary Anne...
Betty and Veronica are the same.
Except their faces.
And even that's close.
The same boobs, same asses, same  Daisy. (Code for the vageen.)

Hot rockin cartoon bods.
As I recall, Veronica's Daddy is rich.
Good choice, Archie.
Betty! Jughead will be right over to take care of your special needs.

Not that anyone in Riverdale asked, but THIS is how I wanted this situation to end:

 Oh well.



d.
May 27th 2009

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May 26, 2009

blog: DON PARDO

The season finale of Saturday Night Live a few weeks ago quietly noted the retirement of the only announcer the show has ever had, Don Pardo.


Now 91, Pardo was going to walk away from the show this year. He has been the announcer on SNL since the show's birth in 1975. 
Instead of leaving the job as he told NBC he would, this season he flew in to New York City each of the 20 weeks the show was on to do all the booth announcing. But now he is leaving. As the Eagles sang, he's Already Gone.

His voice alone could make you laugh. But that's after years of hearing him on SNL, doing everything from fake commercials to on camera spots to introducing bands. His voice was well known before SNL, but it is on that stage in NYC where his star shined the brightest.

He was one of only three people to have lifetime contracts with NBC. (The other two are Howie Mandel and Donald Trump.) No, the others are Carson Daly and Al Roker.
Enough. Milton Berle and Bob Hope are your two other lifetime NBC employees.  See all the good it did them?

On SNL, Don Pardo was consistently sharp, funny and added depth to any piece he collaborated on. And that's not mentioning his 11 years as announcer on the classic Jeopardy, or the Price Is Right before that.

Too bad he's leaving. I am not a faithful SNL viewer any more, but when I'd turn it on at 11:30, it was always reassuring to hear him intro the star and band of the moment. And if you didn't catch him on 30 Rock this season, set your DVR's to stun and record it next time it runs. 

Here's the transcript of one of Don Pardo's on camera bits on SNL, with Jon Lovitz. It even reads funny.


http://snltranscripts.jt.org/88/88tknowme.phtml


Godspeed, Don Pardo. SNL will not be the same without you.






d.
May 26, 2009
745am

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May 25, 2009

Blog: Memorial Day


Happy Memorial Day!

I won't be uber preachy here. BUT...a quick look at the rules for Memorial Day.

Rule #1!
Today is NOT about:

BBQ's
NASCAR
TV marathons
Mattress sales


Rule #2!
It IS about:

and...

and...

and...


and...


SO MANY MORE who gave their lives.
So we could live ours. 

Take just a moment to remember why this is a holiday.
And why even with all of our  daily complaining and moaning we are so blessed to live in the greatest nation on God's earth.

Rule #3!
Repeat Rules #1 and #2.


Happy Memorial Day. Thanks to you all!




d. 
May 25, 2009
830am

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May 23, 2009

lil blog: UnOfficialStartOfSummer


We live in Ocean City, Maryland. At the beach. A resort community. We're used to strangers, sand lovers, sun worshippers, hippies, dippies, and everything under the Moon's eerie shine.


And it's great.
 Except for the occasional family of renters like the ones spending this holiday at a house right next door to me.

This group is led by a tool who thinks he is a combination of Matthew McConaughey and Jason Mraz.

He sat on the deck tonight and played his GD bongos and guitar for nearly 2 hours. It started at about 530pm and was loud as balls. And he really has no shame. Up and down the beach, folks were looking out from their decks, giving him the hairy eyeball.

But because he was out on the deck with his small child (I'd estimate about 4 yrs old), he tried to look like he was passing the whole thing off as being a doting Dad, performing for his child.

Except the kid kept interrupting him, because he was bored. Who wants to come to the beach and sit on a deck and listen to your Dad try to do guitar riffs and bongo "Wipeout"?

I can not describe how annoying this douche was. Nor could I adequately describe his "casual, yet cool" behavior. He thought he was being so kewl, ya know?

They've been next door only since afternoon. But already this one has a nickname. Renters hardly ever make enough of an impression to get a nickname!

I dub thee...


KING A-HOLE! (Memorial Day, 2009)

There's that ugly word again. Why do you people keep making me use language like that?

Have a great rest of the holiday weekend!


d.
May 23, 2009
920 pm

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May 23, 2009

new blog: Snyder plays the Lotto

Just last week the NFL approved a measure that would allow teams to sell their images and logos to State run lotteries for use in scratch off games, etc, as long as the lotto games did not involve the outcome of real NFL games.


Fair enough. The NFL is going after more bucks. It's what they do.
Somewhere in Raljon, Maryland, Dan Snyder smelled something in the air. Not Vinny Ceratto's death farts. Not his own stale breath blowing in his puffy face.
Ahhhhh! The refreshing smell of money comin' in!

And even though the New England Patriots were technically first by signing a deal with the Mass Lotto, all hail Daniel Johnny Rockets Snyder! 

The Redskins are the 2nd team to sign a scratch off deal, with the Virginia Lottery. Just hours after the NFL's board approved this new revenue stream. 

The 3rd worst owner in the NFL (SI survey) was the second to ink a lottery deal...lil Dan Snyder. Here's a link to the story of the Redskins and the Virginia Lottery:

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5iYdIZ96KGTej0ch38CmVG55t2dXQD98BFIL80

What a supreme Pimp Daddy he is. It does not bother me that the NFL is whoring it out like this. But man-o-man, can you run to the money any faster, Mr. Dick Clark American Bandstand?

Hope a roller coaster doesn't malfunction this holiday weekend at Six Flags (also owned by D.S.).

Because any payments to victims might offset the new revenue comin in from the lotto.

Cross your fingers it's a safe weekend! You can almost bet on it.

Scratch this, Snyder.



d.
May 23rd, 2009
900am






       
Click here to download:
new_blog_Snyder_plays_the_Lott.zip (15 KB)

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May 22, 2009

new blog: Review Of New Movies I Haven't Seen

Good morning and happy Memorial Day 2009.


I, frankly, am simply too busy to see every movie that comes out. 
Well...that is not true.
I am not too busy to see every movie that comes out.

By the amount of Twittering and Blogging I do, you too must see how much time I have to dick around! :)

But even though I could go to all the movies this holiday weekend, I choose not to. Because all three new flicks look like shit to me. 

How do I know? I've seen the trailers. That's enough to review the three new films opening wide this four day weekend:

Night At The Smithsonian. 

Ben Stiller got un-funnier as he got buffer. This celeb-cameo-jerk off sequel can crawl right up my butt and enjoy the view. Family friendly and even educational have been some of the reviews of this film. 
I disagree.Spend the money you would have spent on the movie on some booze and stay at home. You'll have a better time watching tv. Maybe some of Ben's other not so good stuff like Starsky & Hutch will be on.
I didn't see the first one. I won't see this one. All the funny is in the trailer. None left in the actual picture.

Grade: F


Terminator: Salvation.

I liked the first one, even the second. But then the third, and also the Fox tee vee show. I am Over-Terminated out of my mind.
I know what you're saying, tho.
But what about Christian Bale? He's so moody and edgy!

"Moody" Christian Bale can get THE FUCK OFF MY SET RIGHT FUCKING NOW! (his raveout is highly inspirational to me)

He's overrated, and this franchise died when Arnold started to notice his penis was shrinking cause of the roids.

Fanboys can eat one. This movie stinks.

Grade: F



Dance Flick.

The Wayans brothers are too heavily influenced by the original parody film, Airplane.

Because that's what all of their shitty movies are take offs of.
Oh, and look.
This one has a dancin, rappin baby. How innovative.

I saw Scary Movie. That's the same as this shit, right?

This should go beyond straight to DVD. It should be direct to Dollar Store.

Grade: F

**************************************************************************
That's it for this weekend! 

Don't go to the movies.

PS: Land Of The Lost sucks ass too.



d.
May 22, 2009
800am

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May 21, 2009

new blog: Simon.

And let's go right to the video tape:

Last night on American Idol's season finale, most of the show was decent and actually had an upset winner.

I still can taste the yeasty bile in my throat as I remember those "Brady Bunch"-ish matching costumes and horrific group sings. It's like High School Musical for adults.

LOVED Kara singing/stripping.
So sorry to be running this again.
DAMN THAT IS SEXY. (Kara, not the gal with fakies)

Most of the guest stars were good. Keith Urban, Kiss, Queen, Black Eyed Peas. 

Rod Stewart looked like freakin Tony Benett.
 

But beyond who won, and who voted, and all the other critiques of the show I offer this.

As the upset announcement was made, and the bedlam ensued on stage, cameras showed the Idol judges, all on their feet applauding. Except Simon Cowell.

He looked pissed, not shocked when the clean cut guy won over the glam-will certainly play in Europe guy.

He looked away from the stage, and even minutes later when all three other judges were still standing, basking in whatever Disney moment this show has morphed into...he still just sat there.

Like someone had just shit in his British hat.


MY BOY, MY BOY. 

d.
May 21, 2009
745am

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May 20, 2009

NEW blog: I like pictures

Do you like pretty pictures? I do. Before I leave The City By The Bay, here are some vacation photos:


 It's Mariah Carey! Pretty girl.

Next picture, please.

Here's the kat who who should have won American Idol.

Mr. Pretty Boy Adam Lambert. And pal. 

Next Picture: The prettiest part of the Idol finale!



And... without further adieu. 

King Of Barf.




End of picture show. Back to the East Coast tomorrow.

d.
May 20, 2009
720pm

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May 20, 2009

NEW BLOG: Sports from San Francsico

Howdy from San Francisco, California! You'll be glad to know that while out here I found time to go to:



The Apple store. Because I just can't find enough Mac crap. :)
It is awesome, and so is SF!
Might be a nice town to work in someday. IS that a hint?

As the sun gets set to rise here on the West Coast, a few notes from my 'crazy' alter ego, JIM SHORTS ON SPORTS. EPIC! Let's go.

1) DAVID STERN/ NBA vs VINCE McMAHON/ WWE

 Next Monday night in Denver, the Nuggets are scheduled to play in the NBA Western finals vs the LA Lakers. Only one problem. The Pepsi Arena in Denver had been previously booked for WWE's Monday Night Smackdown Raw Hulk Hogan's Tiny Penis Ultimate Smashmouth Rasslin' Tee Vee Show.

The ownership of the Nuggets, Kroenke Sports Enterprises, has cancelled the WWE event to allow the NBA game to take place.

Even though THEY leased the arena to the WWE last August. And even thought the WWE has sold over 10,000 tickets in advance of the event.

David Stern, commish of the NBA said, "We never lose date Smackdowns." That's some funny shit. What a comedian. 

Vince McMahon, leader of the WWE said, "A good businessman doesn't book a WWE live event realizing that his team in all likelihood would not make the playoffs."



Game, set, match to McMahon. I hope he still pulls the trucks and cameras into Pepsi Center next Monday night. And I hope he gets a great lawyer and SUES the NBA's ass off.

Put David Stern in a cage match vs Vince McMahon. Winner takes all. NOW I'm watching!


2) SHAQ GOES TO SCHOOL

Shaquille O'Neal has enrolled in a communications class for pro athletes at Syracuse University. He'd like to have his own tv or radio show after his playing career is over.

Get your ass out of the college right now, Shaq! (And get your ass out of Danny Ferry's butt, too!) You are great just the way you are. No transition needed from the court to the tube.
What's Up Doc? 


3) Goodbye Tony K.


ESPN has canned (oh yeah, he quit) Tony Kornheiser from ESPN's Monday Night Football and replaced him with Jon Gruden.

Bad move by ESPN. Tony is a brilliant writer and broadcaster. He is not Dennis Miller, Alex Karras, OJ Simpson (HEY NOW wife killer) or anyone else that's been in the MNF booth trying to recreate the Cosell era. 

Mr. Tony worked hard at the game broadcasts, and it showed. He dared to ask questions a novice might ask. And he was funnee. Not so much that he took away from the game.

 But apparently enough that ESPN went in a more jock-ular fashion, signing the former coach of the Tampa Bay Bucs to replace him.

I Twittered it when it happened, and I'll repeat it here. Tony is a major talent, and if some radio station in DC doesn't scoop him up for mornings...

...I'd love to work at a radio station with him in the lineup in 2010!



RACK ME. Jim Shorts on Sports. OUT.



Stay Safe!
d.
May 20, 2008
5am PST from San Francisco, Ca

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