michael’s posterous



July 26, 2009

Blog: America's Got Stupid

America doesn't have talent. Or brains. But we are loaded to the gills with stupid. Case in point:

This afternoon, I was frequenting a famous chain store that specializes in greeting cards in Ocean City (don't be hatin, I was buying fantasy football magazines. And some Hoops & Yoyo cards. And some scented candles. And a few knicknacks). 
The gal in front of me was buying a magazine, and her total purchase price came to $3.75, with tax. 
She said to the clerk, "I've got four bucks right here." And then she accidentally gave the clerk $23.00. Three one dollar bills, and a twenty, instead of four ones.
The clerk then spazzed out. 
"No, you just gave me too much money than you said you would, so now I've got to void this purchase, and start all over."
 She then got on the intercom and bellowed, "I need help with a customer's purchase that has to be voided and I don't know how to do it."
At that point, the customer lady said, "I'm so sorry. Here's four dollars. Give me 25 cents back and we'll be even."
That's where the clerk's brain started to implode.

"But you gave me over twenty dollars when you said you'd give me four!" 
"And again, I'm so sorry. But here's four one dollar bills. Please just give me a quarter back."
"No. The register says I have to give you $19.25 in change."
"But I have the $20 bill back in my hand. I have given you four dollars."
"If you want to get your $19.25 in change, you better give me the $20 back."

At this point, the gal looked at me for support. I thought.
Sadly, I offered none. I was watching the manager making her way to the front.
The entire situation was replayed for her, at which point she gave the customer her quarter, and said thank you. She seemed to grasp the equation.
The customer then left the store. Followed by the stares of all three sets of eyes, theirs and mine. As they were voiding out the previous receipt, I heard them chat a bit more.
Manager said, "You just should have given her a quarter."
Clerk said, "Yeah, but she was mad before she paid because she wanted to use the bathroom, and I told her we didn't have a public bathroom for customers."
Manager said, "She could go to the Burger King."
Clerk said, "Maybe."

Then they both turned their dolls eyes towards me. I made sure I announced the money I was giving the clerk was  correct. 
She said, "Thank you. I'm sorry for the wait. That lady was just not very smart."

Do tell.

d.
Sunday
July 26th, 2009

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July 8, 2009

Blog: King James & Nike = Censorship

The facts: At a Nike sponsored event, the LeBron James Skills Academy, a college sophmore from Xavier, Jordan Crawford had the audacity to dunk on "King" James.

So what? Apparently, a lot. Nike took the tape (who still uses tape?!?) from a local yokel who was covering the event. 
Nike says it's their policy to not allow these sessions recorded. However, others say that the camera was on a tripod, in plain view, and had not been noted as a problem until the youngster dunked on the "King".
Then, LeBron huddled with someone from Nike, who then strong armed the tape away from the "reporter".
This isn't about policy, it's about vanity.
I quite obviously do not have all the facts on this story. 
But I have enough to come to this observation: What kind of uproar would have followed a tape of LeBron being dunked on that would get millions of hits on YouTube?
No uproar. 
Because the guy AIN'T Superman, Batman, Kobe, Shaq, Tim Duncan, or thousands of other talented players who have actually won a championship.
He's great. He sells merchandise. But he ain't the be all, end all.
He is a produced product. Add humanity and some actual on the court success, and maybe someday LeBron will elevate to the level of Michael Jordan, Bill Russell, or Kobe Bryant.
But until then here's a bulletin:

His shit does stink, and he CAN he dunked on.

And he has even less of a spine than me. That's saying a lot! To have the tape taken away just smells like Communism. Nike style.
And I hated the puppet commercials, Nike and LeBron.

Vanity, thy name IS LeBron. In that arena, you are the chosen one.

d.
July 8, 2009

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July 5, 2009

BLOG: Boner Pills

Happy 4th of July weekend! Besides fireworks, a cookout and a birthday dinner for a pal I had time to watch some teevee this weekend. 

Didn't see the NASCAR crash live. Saw some of the Williams sisters. Saw most of the Roddick vs Federer. I was just checking out Tiger Woods when I saw about the umpteenth million ad this weekend for boner pills.

Men have it rough enough already. We are feeling undue shame from these emasculating ads that scream, "In case of an erection lasting more than four hours, call your doctor..etc." Because it's not just the tag lines that can make a fellow feel droopy.

Viagra. Their new campaign has a bunch of men (no chicks!) in a late night recording studio. Before calling it a night, an old timer plucks his git-box and starts riffing about how great it is to get a boner with Viagra. Pretty soon, all his horny but unable to get it up pals are sitting around the mic, jamming to the tune of Viva Las Vegas.
Another one has a couple taking a boat to a secret island, where the man whisks the gal up and carries her though the tiki hut doors. Careful to put one hand out to flip the sign to Do Not Disturb, the ad forgets to tell the prospective ladies involved that the pill simply allows blood to flow to the area. Voila! Boner City. 

It's a boner pill, not a romance pill. Don't expect a second honeymoon. Just a stiffy.

How about Cialis? These are the ads with the same disclaimers about the four hour boner, but the couple ALWAYS ends up in solo bath tubs looking at the fabulous skyline afterwards.

Or is it before? Do they use one tub for boner fun, and one to wash up? Or do they do it on that little stand to her left?

Again, bad message. The ads should just have a fat guy, someone like Chris Matthews. Rolling off his lovely wife, as she towels him down. And then he goes fast to sleep.

Truth in advertising!
That's why boner pills are messing with my teevee sports.

d.
July 5th 2009

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June 27, 2009

BLOG an ode to Buddy Scott

It was 25 years ago this week that Buddy Boy Kincer (his real middle name is Boy!), aka Buddy Scott gave me my big break at WBBM-fm/Chicago.

I'd been jocking and working at some really great radio stations across America over the past nine years, but by the time I was doing 6-10pm at B96 in 1983, I had decided that I wanted to stretch. Talk more. Take more phone calls. Try and get into the big leagues, morning drive.
Turns out after a year at B96, the old morning deejay, Dick Biondi, was about to get the heave-ho. 
My program director at the time, Buddy Scott, told me that I'd be doing mornings starting July 5th, 1984.  
And for being a tight ass program director, Buddy really wasn't half bad. I lampooned him on my radio show years later, for his Friday afternoon disco ball parties in his office (true), and his incessant calling about how many records an hour I'd played (true).
In fact, that was the hurdle that eventually led to my quitting that job in 1985 to move to WAVA/Washington.
Buddy just wanted 10 records an hour during the morning show. No more, no less. Ten records an hour. 
And he counted. 
But he also was a slave to Chicago traffic. Which was, and is, awful.
By Buddy's estimation, he could waste 90 minutes driving into the city, leaving his house at 730am to arrive downtown at 900am.
Instead, he left his home in the suburbs at 930am, and arrived at the radio station around 1015am. A 45 minute commute, as opposed to 90. He would also stay later than 5pm everyday. How else could he have his disco ball parties?
So here was his problem. He needed to be up at 6am, so he could count the number of records I played each hour.
But he didn't leave to go to work until 930am!
Who wants to get up and listen to the radio for 3 and 1/2 hours before you leave your house? Not Buddy.
He hired one of his teenage kids to monitor and tape my show.
His KIDS would rat me out on number of records played each hour, and if I was following format.
So by the time I got off the air at 10am, Buddy was arriving at the station. I'd go to his office, and he'd ream me out about not playing enough music. And he'd be looking at his cheat sheet, written by one of his kids.
Anyway, that ran it's course and I split a year later.

But I would never have had the opportunities that were made available later if not for that year of doing mornings in Chicago, with a bit of success. 
Buddy was the first radio guy to REALLY take a chance on me. He put it on the line, and gave me the big shot.
If only I could have played ten records an hour!
25 years later, thanks Buddy.

Mr. Buddy Scott. Helped in programming B96 by his kids.

d.
June 27, 2009

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June 24, 2009

BLOG: Elected Officials Screwing Around

News of the afternoon is the admission by South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford that he had an affair with a lady in Argentina. 

Lots of politicians before JFK and after Clinton have screwed around, I'm quite sure. I don't condone the behavior, quite the contrary.
BUT there is a difference between letting the little head doing the thinking for the big head and the crap this douchebag got himself into.
He had (is having) an affair with a gal from Argentina. Told his wife months ago. His wife ordered he leave their home two weeks ago. All of it was relatively quiet, and being handled inside the family.
Back to the original point. He's stupid. He lied to his wife and family. He's human.

BUT...

He's the Governor of South Carolina, for God's sake. He went AWOL and lied to his family and his STAFF for four days while he chased poontang in Argentina.
He was only busted because he was so stupid a camera crew happened to be at the airport coming back from Argentina.
You may remember the tv news outlets have been looking for him for a few days. He had supposedly vanished.
His staff said he told them he would be hiking in the Appalachians. No cell reception there. Just like in Argentina.
So he could get his rocks off.
He already had screwed his mistress, and his entire family.
WHAT IF there had been a disaster in his home state?
Pick one!
A) Tornado
B) Explosion
C) Train Crash
D) write your own potential tragedy

He would have been sleeping at his girlfriend's home. 
In freaking Argentina.
THAT'S why he should be kicked to the curb.
It's bad enough he can't keep it in his pants or even be slightly discreet.
He screwed the people of South Carolina worse than anyone else. His job is a 24/7 deal. If you're away from the office, stay in touch. Always be available, cause stuff happens. It's part of the job. Duty to the citizens that elected you and all that other stuff.

You have selected your priorities. Now bug off, peckerwood.

d.
June 24, 2009

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June 23, 2009

BLOG: John & Kate deliver the goods!

In an earlier blog, I waxed poetic about being blissfully unaware of John & Kate Plus Eight. Yet, even then, just five weeks ago, I never knew that this crazy couple would make my day.

Today they did! According to Associated Press and divorce papers filed in Pennsylvania, baby makers John and Kate have been living apart for the last TWO years.

Which means...
The last two (at least) years of this sickening show have been total bullshit.
A caller to my new radio show today told me they had an episode last season where the entire family went to Hawaii to renew their vows.
So they aren't even living together, but they pulled one over on the US viewing public and the programming gurus at TLC.

What carnies. What crappy parents. What liars.

What a great story! 
NOW I'm watching. 
WHAT'S WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

d
June 23, 2009

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June 19, 2009

Blog: Reviews Of Unseen Movies

Happy Friday. It's the last weekend before I return to the workforce, and being as this is something I'll do on the air, here's the last printed word version of:

REVIEWS OF MOVIES I HAVEN'T SEEN
(but I've seen the trailers, and that's enough)

#1 The Proposal

Sandra Bullock has a weird nose. I've never been a fan of her, or her "work." And even better, she makes her triumphant return to the big screen in a romantic comedy. Does she get to use her 'great' NY or Boston accents in this one? She is to comedy what I am to nude volleyball.

D+
***********************************************
#2
Year One

I like Jack Black. But not always and in every movie. He's done a bunch of crappy ones, and this one looks like it stinks like John & Kate's diaper drawer. Cavemen with cool senses of humor? This movie has been relentlessly promoted so much, I know it sucks.

D

***********************************************
#3
Imagine That
Starring formerly funny Eddie Murphy. What movie execs sit around in a pitch meeting and decide to throw more money Eddie's way, for a movie doomed to fail? He ain't funny, he likes trannies, and he's not Gumby, dammit.

F

***********************************************
#4 (limited release)
Whatever Works
Stars Larry David. Good! A film by Woody Allen. Bad! Woody is a creep living his life off reviews of Annie Hall 30 years ago. I want to like this, but I think even with the great Larry David, Woody the father/husband will screw it up. I wish I could think about him without remembering he married his adopted daughter. 

F

***********************************************

That's it for this week.
Have a great weekend, and don't forget to listen on
Monday to my new show on WGMD 92.7fm.

d.
June 19, 2009

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June 16, 2009

blog: LETTERMAN

 



David Letterman apologized again to Sarah Palin's clan last night on his CBS chat show.
My first thought was that Dave had pussied out.
After all, didn't he cover this entire incident last week? Didn't he say it was a borderline joke, but that he told a lot of them? And didn't he clearly indicate that he was joking about Mrs. Palin's older daughter? And didn't he state that he in no way was talking about rape, or having sex with a 14 year old?

Wow, just looking at all of that makes it seem as if Letterman must have said something totally vulgar and tasteless involving the rape of a 14 year old.

He didn't.
But after looking at how this all appears dissected in written word, and after Mrs. Palin continued to call Letterman a pervert and a potential harm to young women, he simply had to deal with it, cut it off, and end it.

Apology accepted, incidentally by Mrs. Palin. With some added crap about how all young women should blah blah blah blah....
I think no less of Letterman for apologizing, taking responsibility, and moving along. 
Otherwise, she really could have taken him for a ride.

Good luck to her being elected to anything except the cast of "The Real Housewives Of Alaska."






d.
June 16, 2009

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June 13, 2009

Blog: Janet & work

When I left my job at WJFK-fm March, 2008 I knew I'd be starting a new life. Now, 15 months later, it's begun.

I'm married, and returning to work again in just over a week at WGMD-fm.
This past year and three months has been great for us. For me, it was the chance to unwind a tight knot and rediscover life. For Janet, it's been 15 months of having me around all the time!
We've had trips, and projects.
We sold my house and Janet's as well.
We moved two households to one at the beach.
I've been writing a book.
But without the day to day investment of time and energy in the radio show, I found there was a lot of time to fill. And Janet found out that her routine was slightly staggered due to the fact that I was around all the time.
Yet we never tire of each other. We still have breakfast together, coffee and then the paper, then Regis on tv. Most days together, all day.
Lunch, dinner, movies, walks with Oscar, trips to the store, reading, listening to music, more tv, exercising. 
Through all that time spent together she is still a sparkling diamond. Her sense of humor can slay me. She will cut someone to the quick faster than Joan Rivers. If she feels in the mood, she can channel a bit of Sam Kinnison, minus the shouting. And she's also a Mary Poppins fanatic, although today she told me she was looking at a t-shirt that said, "Mary Poppins is a crack whore."
She loves football, and actually watches every Steelers game. 
Oh, did I mention she's a dyed in the wool Republican? That she thinks Ronald Reagan was our greatest President ever?
She captures my imagination and my passion. And my family has warmed up to her in the same way.
Point being: It doesn't suck to spend time with her. And when I go back to work, I'll miss our time together just goofing around. She's a great friend and partner. 
And even though I could have fought my CBS situation legally and tried to take a nice job offer in San Francisco, or another opportunity in Cleveland, she knew my heart was in Ocean City and how much I wanted to be able to work here. And now I'm going to.
It will be nice to be able to go to work with a mind unencumbered. That's because of Janet.
I know that I used to be the guy who put his wife on the radio a lot. I don't think Janet's voice will be heard on the air much. But it doesn't mean I won't be talking about her, and our life together.
Because she is the biggest reason I've been able to get back to work.

But her politics do suck. And I get wrangled into watching more FoxNewsChannel than I ever thought possible. Hannity is a hump.

Oh, and she is THRILLED that I will be the lead in to Rush Limbaugh on WGMD. 

Of course.


d.
June 13, 2009

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June 11, 2009

Why WGMD?

I've gotten lots of email responses in the few hours since word got out that I would be joining WGMD-FM on June 22nd.

First, thanks for all your support! It gives me confidence that someone out there remembers what I do on the air enough to start all over again.
Let me answer a few questions I keep getting over and over:

1) No podcasts are scheduled
2) Live streaming is totally contractually controlled by CBSradio until Oct, 2010.
I think they'll be cool, but you never know until you try.
Bottom line: Think it's 2003 again. When CBS radio forbid any kind of streaming, yet there were many "secret sites" to find downloads. While I don't endorse anyone doing anything,  I think if you live outside the WGMD listening area you'll find something, somewhere. I have faith in folks like that.

Why WGMD, the Rush/Savage/local talk station? Because it is a special radio station that I have been a fan of for over 15 years.
I made a bad mistake by trying to return to radio a year ago at WOCM-FM. Because those people were beyond un-professional and had no clue as to what radio is all about. But I'll have a special hour or two or three to discuss Layton and Bulldog and the others at 98.1fm. Paybacks are hell, buds. Truth telling (including how you can't even get 5 callers for a contest!) will be revealed on the radio. 
If I had a clue as to what they were about at WOCM, I'd never have walked through the door.

That's my fault, and I learned from my mistake.

WGMD is the polar opposite. I have been talking to them for over two months about this, and they know what they're getting. And so do I. They're a tight little station with a great morning show and local programming that has become rarer and rarer.
So what if they run Rush? He gets huge numbers and is a pro. ( Rush was akaJeff Christie at KQV/Pittsburgh) 
So what if WGMD has other guys who drink the same kool aid? More power to 'em.
I will offer something different, and WGMD realizes it's a good thing.
Powerful radio is not cookie cutter radio.
I had to look right outside my back door to find it.
WGMD made me a strong offer, and they have some guts to add me to their lineup. I'm happy living with Janet at the beach, and the time slot is the one I'd ask for, all things being equal. That makes me feel pretty good about my future. 
But what will I do on the show?
I'll talk about my life, and the people that amuse and annoy me. And I'll talk pop culture, and teevee. Plus I have to start over again as I have no tapes at all from the old show...so we'll grow the library of drop in tapes together. And I'll take your unscreened calls (always) and we'll play some games.
Some new ones, some old ones. One change, though. No more strippers or sex games. Not because WGMD asked, because it's what I feel comfortable with.
I think you'll be pleasantly surprised with my disposition. I am happy, and believe it shows. 
Not that things and people don't still set me off. 
I will rail about John & Kate and stupid reality shows.
I will rail about Best Buy and box store mentality.
I will read you news stories about grannys getting tasered.
And I will have a great time doing it.

WGMD is not an impulse move for me. It's a thought out decision about where I want to work, and the life I want to lead.
And I think you'll find the rules are not nearly as stringent as "some" radio companies. So hilarity may ensue.

I look forward to Monday, June 22nd at 9am.
That's why I'm doing it, and I hope you'll join me.

DonGeronimoShow

d.
June 11, 2009

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